She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
