yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
