But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
