She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I forget how to act sober
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
