Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
the liver wants what the liver wants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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