I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
