i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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