Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
