I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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