The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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