You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
