I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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