A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
