you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
