so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
