I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
