some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
