Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
