Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
