I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
