I think I died a long time ago.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
