Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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