You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
