I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
