life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we made out on top of his cat.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
