happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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