I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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