my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
