whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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