So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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