We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
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