so that wasnt chicken after all
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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