I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
