I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
