How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
