this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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