Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
