Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
