Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
