the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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