Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
