Sober January is a disaster.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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