dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
