ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
