I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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