dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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