you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
