I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
