When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
