dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
