I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
